March 22, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 15
bigtips
Is there a painless way to split the tab after dinner?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm typing this at work, but if I'd had a laptop, I would have started writing this to you last night, in the restaurant, clicking the keys loudly.
Why is it that otherwise civilized adults can not handle splitting a check? You've got the person who doubts the person who's taken on the unpopular job of splitting it up, and it always seems like this thinks guy you're out to rip him off. There's the person who always "forgets" to add in tax and tip on their items. There's the person who hears "let's all put in $20," but sneaks in $10, and looks confused when it doesn't add
up. Then some passive aggressive sucker ends up making up the difference and you have to hear about it the next ten times you eat out with him.
Is there any sort of good way to do this? I'm sick of feeling like my friends are either suspicious of each other, or too stupid to add.
Dear Bill Collector,
Pain the Price
When you go out to eat with your friends, the money you are paying is for the evening's company and the communal activity, not for your five meatballs versus Johnny's two Stolis.
If you are all in relatively similar financial straits, it is the gracious thing to just divide the total tab evenly (calculate 20%
March 23 Tracey Thomas
(10 o'clock show)
March 30
the decline
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for the tip on the total before tax). If it is someone's birthday, or similar celebratory occasion, that person should not pay, and the others should divide the tab evenly between the remaining parties.
If someone wants to pick up the tab for the whole group, that gesture should be met
with a warm thank you, not
a struggle over the bill. If
one person does this all the time and you feel uncomfortable, ask the waiter beforehand to give the bill to you at the end of the meal. If you have a close relationship with the people you're eating or drinking with, and you each are ordering very different amounts, then it is appropriate to divide the check based on what you each had. It's okay to write your figures on the bill, and wait staff would be pleased to bring you a pen, I'm sure.
BIG TIPS
Just let the person who is happiest with numbers add what each person had, and make sure the total of those totals matches the pretax total of the bill, then estimate the percentage of the tax and tip that does with each person's amount.
If you've had problems, just write each person's amount on the bill, and pass it around to see if people feel like it's correct, and to put in what they owe. Then there's no excuse for someone to give you much less than what they owe. What they should produce is actually written down.
Just remember to make no big production of this. And if you find your circle unable to work this out, start going to buffets: you pay when you walk in.
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Dear Mary,
This past Friday I had an amazing night like I haven't had in years. I got really high and got my tongue pierced.
A bunch of us were flirting and making out and daring each other to do things. We were doing some play piercing, but then I thought that I wanted something that would last longer.
It was a real rush to do it, and I just kept thinking about how sexy it made me feel to have it done, and how much I wanted to kiss my girlfriend once it hurt less.
I also thought that it would be amazing if she had her tongue pierced so I could feel what that was like, kissing and otherwise. She was pretty impressed to see my tongue, but when I told her I thought it would be cool if she did it, she said no way.
I'm disappointed, because I want her to have that experience, too, and I want her to feel what I felt, so when we're kissing and having sex, we will have both been to exactly the same place. If she knew what it felt like, she would absolutely do it.
Can you help me explain to her what a powerful experience this could be for her? Wants the Hole Thing
Dear Holey Wanter,
Hmm. It sounds like you want someone with a tongue stud to go down on you, but I
could be wrong. It is a pretty cool feeling to have it done, if you get off on that kind of thing. And you can tell your sweetie that there are legions of fans of the lingual clacking that results from two piercees going at it.
However, I can't imagine that she can't already imagine that, and it is pretty unlikely that you'll be able to talk someone into getting a hole poked in her body for your pleasure. Dressing like a slut? Sure. Having sex behind the high school? Maybe.
Having someone grab her.tongue, dry it off with a paper towel and ream it with a spike? I'm guessing no, unless it's something that she really wants to do for herself. Bad fear doesn't make for a sexy rush.
Of course, she may change her mind if she gets off on your piercing. Remember, though, that it's likely to get really annoying if you go on and on about this. You might want to spend less time talking about what's sexy, and just go have sex.
But if there's something you want that you're not going to get from her, how about those friends from the party? You were making out with them--are you allowed to have sex with them? Your stud may already be out there waiting.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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